Devoured
by Ligeia333
Summary: Maybe the reason for Jack's promiscuous ways are more sinister than his wanting to be with Will? R
1. True Life: I'm Jack McFarland

A.N.: This is a really dark fic. That's all the warning I'm going to give you. I don't want to give away too much. I just got tired of the usual "The reason why Jack is such a manwhore is he only wants a relationship with Will" theory. I mean, it's good. Completely plausible. But it just gets old. So, here's my explanation.

-Li.

"_As a rapturous voice escapes_

_I will tremble a prayer_

_And I'll beg for forgiveness."_

_-AFI_

"_It's hard to wake up _

_When the shades have been pulled shut._

_This house is haunted _

_It's so pathetic, _

_It makes no since at all."_

_-Blink182_

"_This is the sound of poisons, _

_The Sickness no one knows."_

_-Shriekback_

Present Day Jack's POV

His name is Juan (Or Don or John.) and he has no face. Only a body. And right now it's writhing beneath me. And although he has no face (and therefore no mouth) I can hear him moaning. I just want him to shut up There's only one thing I want from him and that comes soon enough. My release is quick and meaningless. I roll off him before he's finished, and he leaves in a huff---pissed off. Which is just fine with me. I couldn't stand seeing his slick brown flesh an minute longer. And if he hadn't left, I would have kicked him out. I already got what I wanted from him: those brief, fleeting seconds of pure bliss where nothing matters and there's no one else in the world but me. Another notch in my belt. Another Sharpie mark on my headboard. My headshot stares back at me from across the room, clearly disappointed. I am discussed with myself. I feel barren. Vacant. Hallow.

I roll over and cry myself to sleep.

1984

His name was Darren Hilson. He was beautiful. Blond hair. Emerald eyes. I was his before he even spoke to me. Little did I know I'd be his for the rest of my life. His name was Darren Hilson. And he devoured my soul.

Present Day Jack's POV

The alarm clock wretched me out of my fitful sleep. I don't dream anymore. I use to. But that was a time long forgotten. A time when I was happy and didn't have to fake a smile. It seems anymore I'm only happy around Karen and Will. Or Grace when she gets a bad perm. I crack myself up. But seriously. They help me forget the things I can never clearly remember.

I rush through the shower and dress, hurriedly running a comb through my hair. I want to get over to Will's and start the day's clever banter. Then Karen's taking me to Barney's to buy me a lil sumthin'sumthin'. She doesn't know it yet.

"Hello William. You're looking particularly portly today." I said as I invited myself in. I stole a strip of bacon off his plate as I passed. I was on a quest for orange juice.

"Jack. You're particularly wearing today." he took a swig of coffee.

"Oh, William. You're so pathetic in your attempt to hide your wild animal lust for me. It's sad really."

"Don't flatter yourself." he cut off a piece of the cinnamon bun before him and speared it with his fork which I snatched away from him.

"Don't _fatter_ yourself."

He gave me one of his trademark looks of distain.

I watched him tear into the bun with his fingers. That diet of his much be out the window, because he smothered the cinnabun in an obscene amount of that lovely goo they come with. The bun-to-goo ratio wasn't the only thing I found obscene as I watched my unfortunate friend assault his breakfast. That sticky-sweet goo ran over and between his fingers, reminding me of---_ Okay, Jack, that is more than enough! Will is your friend, not some random conquest! You've had this internal monologue about a million times!_

It's true. Many times I've caught myself staring at him. I can't help it. I give him a lot of flack, but Will is a _very_ attractive man. And if I see an attractive man…I get mountain climber's syndrome: all I can think about is mounting. But I know what would happen. It would start with a touch. End with a quick fuck. And I'd have to leave. I never get too close.

I realized I'd lost myself in my head and when reality sank back in, I realized I was watching Will absent-mindedly licking the goo off his fingers.

I left quickly, stammering out some lame excuse about expecting a plumber because my water heater blew up. A lie. Well, not completely…..I _did _have a pipe that was about to explode…

The rest of the day was uneventful. Karen bought me a new coat and scarf combo and we ragged on poorly dressed people.

"You okay? You don't seem like you're all here." said the beautiful stranger in my bed. He reached out to undo my buttons. I slapped his hands away, heart pounding. "Oh! I get it! You like to be the dominate one. Okay." he flipped over on his back. "Dominate me."

1984

His hands came at me. On either side of my hips. Pulled me closer. His mouth was on mine. The kiss was bitter with cheap liquor, but I'd waited all night for this. This was good. It was what I wanted, right? So why did I say "No"?

Present Day Jack's POV

"GET OUT!" I screamed.

"What?!?!" whatshisface was in shock. I would have been too. I sat bolt upright in bed and screamed at him to leave. I was shaking and covered in cold, clammy sweat.

"Dave, just go!"

"It's Dan!" he cried, throwing on his clothes . Quickly, he fled.

Only then was it safe for me to break down and cry.

A.N. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. && to all of you who were disappointed by my taking down my uber sexy Jack/Will fanfic, I'm sorry. I just didn't know where to take it. I hate to sound pushy, but please do review. I love hearing feedback from you guys. And to all of you Jack/Will shippers out there, you'll be pleased to know that when Jack was in bed with poor little Dave or Dan or whatever his name was, he only got off after thinking of Will with his lovely gooie breakfast. J Kisses! -Li


	2. Remembrances Of Fear

A.N.: I actually have a plot outline for this one, so it shouldn't take me so long to put up the chapters. I hope you like it and I'm really sorry for the how short this chapter is (and the next one), but they're to the point. And this fic is going to have at least 12 chapters, so you're not getting cheated or anything. - x o Li

"One night to you

Lasted six weeks to me.

Just a bitter little pill now

Just to try to go to sleep.

No more waking up to innocence 

Say hello to hesitance

To everyone I meet.

Thanks to you years ago

I guess I'll never know 

What love means to me, but oh

I'll keep rolling down this road.

But I've got a bad, bad feeling."

-Pink

"I could be bound in a nutshell 

And count myself the King of infinite space

Were it not I have bad dreams."

-Hamlet 

"You okay?" the sound of Will's voice snapped me back into the present.

"Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?" I dug my fork into my pancake. I knew I must've looked pretty fucked up. This morning when I looked in the mirror, I scared the hell outta myself. I had dark circles under my eyes, and no matter what I tried to do with my hair, it stuck out in all directions.

"That's what I was trying to figure out. You look lost in your own mind."

I could tell he was really worrying about me because he didn't say anything about my mind not being complex enough to get lost in.

"I'm fine. I've just been having these dreams. It's nothing."

"Dreams about what?"

My stomach turned. "I don't know. I don't remember them when I wake up." a partial lie. True, I don't remember anything when I wake in a cold sweat, heart hammering in my chest. But as I go about my day, I catch mental flashes---remembrances of fear. The blinking lights of a Farris wheel. Green eyes that flash with a devious smile. A cold, icy feeling in my guts. The gun-metal smell of sweat. The taste of my own blood and tears……


	3. You Don't Know Jack

A.N.: I know it's short. I'm sorry.

"I don't have a past

I just have a chance.

Not a family or honest plea 

Remains to say…"

-Breaking Benjamin.

"I wish I never knew 

The secrets I kept inside.

A state of innocence;

A blissful ignorance and pride."

-from "Secrets" by a Divine Madness.

Pt.I

I drummed my fingers on my desk. Jack (although boyishly handsome as always) looked ghastly this morning. The past three days he's been a bit out of it. Staring out into space, a faint look of pain in those powder blue eyes. He's not full of that childlike exuberance we all adore in him.

My worries about Jack were interrupted by him bursting through my door.

"William. Take me to lunch."

Ah! Finally, a bit of familiarity. I got up to put on my coat when my latest client came through my open door.

"Mr. Hilson, can I help you?" 

"How many times do I have to tell you to call me Darren?"

The blood drained from Jack's face, and he spun to face the third party. Darren opened his mouth to say something when Jack suddenly fell back in a dead faint. I barely caught him before he hit the floor.

Pt.II

_Oh god! I feel like I've been hit by a truck! _ My mouth was dry and my head was killing me. Are my eyes open? My alarm clock won't quit beeping.

I opened my eyes. Where the hell am I? The beeping wasn't my alarm clock, but a hear monitor. _A hospital?_ Just as I was beginning to question my sanity, Will walked in with a cup of coffee.

"Hey you!" the relief in his voice was almost palpable.

"What happened?" 

"You fainted. I panicked. The doctor says you're okay, but they're going to keep you over night just to be safe."

_Oh my god, that's right! Darren. In Will's office. _ A mix of dread and panic congealed my whole body. If I wasn't in bed I would've paddled to the floor.

Will continued on talking, but the dizzying feeling in my head kept me from hearing anything but my frenzied thoughts.

_Darren Hilson knows Will. We were standing in the same room. Oh god oh god oh god. I was so close he could've ….. Oh god!_


	4. A Tragically Beautiful Husk

A.N: Sorry so long guys! Review please!

"_Is it you I want _

_Or just the notion of _

_A heart to wrap around _

_So I can find my way around?"_

_-Breaking Benjamin_

"I'm just worried about him Grace!" I snapped, clearing the dinner plates as she settled on the couch.

"I know, sweetie. I'm worried too. But you know I'm right."

More and more Grace has been bugging me about my true feelings for Jack. I've always thought Jack was handsome, but too immature. Now that he's taking responsibility for Elliot and has a job…I've just felt this almost gravitational pull to him. And Grace knows this. But now, with whatever's been bothering him, I've stopped wanting to ravage him and started wanting to protect him from….what? Himself? Was this all of his own fruition? Whatever it was, I wanted to make it all go away.

"So, tomorrow night, invite him over for…I don't know, a movie or dinner--"

"I have dinner plans already." I said with a sly smile.

"Oh, Sweetie, I can't. Leo's dragging me over to his parents house for dinner." she made a face of slight disgust at having to sit through conversations about the theatre and books.

"It wasn't an offer, conceited. You know that client I've been talking about?" she nodded. "Well, he asked me out."

"But you're in love with Jack." she protested.

_Not this again_. "I have _feeling_ for him."

She wrapped her arms around my waist and kissed my cheek, not wanting to interrupt my dishwashing. "And I also think that you should act on these feelings instead of suppressing them."

The she left me alone with my thoughts.

"Thanks Oprah." I said to no one in particular.

Was what I was feeling for Jack….love? I knew that Jack still (recently, anyway) had feelings for me. We confessed feelings of some sort when we thought that we slept together on Karen's yacht. But does he still feel that way? Do I?

Who am I fooling? Of course I do. But I can't wait for him forever. Every time I turn around, he's got a new ….suitor. So, I can go out with Darren and it be okay, right? I deserve happiness…which I probably will never feel until I make things right with Jack. Until I can call him mine, and he can call me his. Even as I think all this, I know it's pretty much useless.

I should just do something with Jack tomorrow, leave him for one of his conquests to take, and go have a great dinner with Darren.

I got ready for bed and laid between the cold sheets, wondering if Jack was wondering about him, and drifted off to dream about those sad blue eyes and that mischievous grin. The tragically beautiful husk of a man that I love with all my soul...


	5. Bend Your Arms To Look Like Wings

A.N: Okay, so, this is when the chapters should start to get longer. The previous ones were just kinda lead-ups to get it going, but these (from now on) _should_ have more substance. Also, I made Jack's thoughts sound a little more…intelligent than he sounds when he actually speaks for the most part. This _was_ on purpose. So, okay, here it is: Chapter Five!

"_I never found out why you left him_

_But this answer begs that question_

_Too blind to see tomorrow_

_Too broke to beg or barrow. _

_Young and stupid, left wide open_

_Hearts are wasted, lives are broken."_

_-blink 182_

Jack's POV

I lay in bed, not wanting to move. Will drove me home from the hospital this morning in an awkward silence. My mind raced with thoughts of Darren---those green eyes staring through me---and I slept to flee form them, only to see them in my dreams. But to _dream_ of him is better than remembering him.

I shivered. Best not to think about it.

The phone's ring cut through the all prevailing silence of my apartment, scaring me shitless. I picked it up, cutting it off mid-ring.

"Hello?" my voice was so raspy, I didn't recognize it.

"Jack?" apparently neither did Will.

"yeah?" 

"Okay. Sorry. You just sounded so…anyway: I was wondering if you wanted to go to the gym with me later." There was something in his voice…a hidden implication.

"Uh…sure." something weird was happening here, but I didn't know what. We said our goodbyes after making our arrangements and I hung up the phone. It's 9:45 am. I should sleep. But I can't. I'm so incredibly restless. My soul conflicted.

I got up and poured cold coffee from three days ago. Coffee grounds floated around the bottom and no matter how much cream or sugar I put in it, it still tasted stale. My cornflakes were more corny than they were flaky, and got soggy in mere seconds. I was playing around with them when my phone rang for the second time this morning. I seem to be very popular.

"Hello?"

"Hey Poodle!"

I gave a half-hearted "Whose your daddy" for her sake.

"You are!" She clearly didn't hear my depressed tone. Or flat-out ignored it. Karen's a good friend deep-down, but she's utter shit at emotions. "Whatcha doin'?"

"Being mocked by my breakfast."

"Sounds like fun. You want to do some shopping? Bergdorf's is having a sale!"

I let my spoon scrape the side of the bowl. "I don't know Kare. I was thinking about spending the day in."

"Oh, come on Jackie! I'd ask Rosie to go, but Stan has a hernia, and she's taking care of him."

"Why don't you take care of him?"

"Oh, honey. No." 

"Kare, I don't---" 

"Please?"

"No."

"Pleeease!"

"No."

"Pleeeeeease!"

"Alright. Alright. Lunchtime good for you?" we hung up.

I hopped in the shower. Letting the hot water him my body, I put my forehead against the cool tile. I let my mind drift to Will in order to keep it from going back to Darren. Will and his dark hair and eyes. With his broad shoulders and slim waist and toned body. I let my mind wander back to every plutonic kiss----to every tiny touch, pretending for the moment they meant something more, and let my hand wander down to my stirring groin. I wrapped my hand around myself and groaned in pleasure and defeat. _ This again. I do this entirely too much._ I don't actually have sex as often as most people seem to think. I'm not adversed to masturbation, but I don't enjoy thinking about Will as I do it. Well, yes, I do, but when it's over, I feel dirty and ashamed. And I do it _a lot_. If I'm masturbating, it's him I'm thinking of.

My legs got weaker as my strokes became harder and more well placed. I thought about Will at the breakfast table last week with that sticky bun and it was all over. My back arched and my hips bucked harder than I expected. I slid, hitting my chin on the side of the tub. It was hard enough to hurt, but not enough to break anything thank god. Try explaining that one!

I collected myself and what was left of my dignity. And finished _actually_ washing up. I dried off, dressed, and groomed.

By the time I finished, it was only 10. Karen's lunchtime starts about 11 and ends around 4. I had an hour to kill and nothing to do.

I sat on my couch and flipped through the channels. Maury with the sluts and the potential baby daddies. Half-a-dozen soaps with the same plot line. Dr. Phil talking about child molestation which I changed really fast. I settled on one of those trashy court shows that are clearly scripted and the only thing worse than the writing is the acting. Women in too much make up and men who clearly were born with "return defective" marked on their foreheads.

I threw back my head and let that lovely half sleep take me over. You know what I'm talking about?: that sleep where you're still aware of what's going on around you, but somehow you know that you're still asleep? That sleep where it's not deep enough to dream. That lovely sleep where I can hide form Darren.

I opened my eyes only when the judge banged her gavel. The clock read 11:25. I heaved a sigh. By the time I got to Grace's office, Karen already had a fresh drink in hand.

"Sorry I'm late Kare."

"Enough with the excuses. Let's get going. Driver's been waiting for hours!" 

"Karen, we agreed on 11. It's only 11:45."

"I know, but I find Driver drives faster when he's mad." she laughed at her own evil genius. "Now let's go!"

Bergdorf's was surprisingly vacant for a sale day. "Where's everybody? People are usually beating each other to a bloody pulp just to get through the door on sale day."

"Honey, I lied. There's no sale today. I just wanted to get you out of that apartment. Now pick you out something pretty and tell mama what's bothering you."

"Kare, I really don't want to talk about it." I said, picking through the neck ties.

"Honey, you can tell me anything. And have!"

I picked up a pretty blue one that I knew would bring out the colour of my eyes and handed it to her. "You remember me telling you a few years back about…Darren?"

She nodded and I pulled her off to the side, as if anyone who overheard our conversation would automatically know by default what we were talking about.

"He's Will's new client."

Karen's eyes got HUGE, and she shoved the tie back into my hands. "Well, I see we'll be needing to buy a whole suit today."

She ended up buying me a dark blue suit to go with my tie and new Gucci loafers. We went to some restaurant whose name I couldn't pronounce to save my life. Karen had her usual lunch Martini, and I had a Caesar salad. Well, I picked apart a Caesar salad.

"So. About Hilson. Do you want me to--"

"No." I didn't know how she was going to finish her sentence. With Karen, such things are beyond all conjecture. "I don't know what I want. To forget it would be great, but I can't. I've tried for damn near 22 years." 

"Oh, Jackie." she reached across the table for my hand when she saw the tears that threatened to fall from my eyes.

Once I calmed a bit, she asked "So, he's Will's client? Does Will know about---"

"No, and he's not going to find out." I said, a poignant and semi-pleading look in my eyes.

She caught it and dropped it.

"I am suppose to be going to the gym with him this afternoon. Will, I mean."

She nodded and took a sip of her drink.

I think she knows of my secret feelings for Will (it's painfully obvious to anyone observing), but we never really speak much of it.

We spent the rest of lunch talking about her budding relationship with Malcolm and her secret desire to have the step children back in the mans.

Driver drove us back to Grace Adler Designs and because of the light flurry that started, Karen insisted he drive me home.

"Call me if you need me." she said as the limo halted. There was a look of complete empathy in her eyes that exposed to me a new side of Karen Walker that I had never seen. She kissed my cheek and disappeared into the lightly falling snow.

I was back home by 2:34 which gave me just enough time to pack my gym bag. I'd just thrown in my shorts and was zipping up when I heard the door open and Will announce himself.

"I'm in here!" I called.

"You ready?" he appeared in my door way, looking lovely and rundown after a long day's work.

I kissed him passionately, dragging him willingly to the bed, grinding into him. I'm totally kidding. I wanted to, though. It had crossed my mind.

"Yeah. Let's go before I change my mind."

There was a comfortable silence in the taxi which he had to interrupt. "What's with the bruise on your chin?"

I rubbed it, suddenly self-conscious. "Fell in the shower."

He squinted at me, but took it at face value.

I was painfully aware of his arm slung casually over my shoulders.

In the locker room, I turned my back to him as we dressed. Not so he couldn't see me, but so I couldn't see him. We worked out without speaking. It felt like a begrudging, estranged father legally bound to spending "quality time" with him son. It was awkward and forced.

We made our way to those big balance balls (haha. Balls.) Will already sweating profusely through his shirt. We've only been here for 30 minutes. Dude can persperate.

"Somebody's staring." He said suddenly

"Huh!?!" I thought I was caught until he pointed across the gym as we settled down on our balls (haha! I'm telling you it never quits being funny!) There was a ripped hottie (who looked vaguely like Will) checkin' me out and curling weights.

"Oh. Yeah. I see him." he was perplexed by my indifference, but he didn't comment on it.

We balanced on our backs, our feet on the ground---hands behind our heads---doing sit-ups. The weight lifting hottie was still watching me and it was slightly annoying.

Meanwhile, Will's shirt was rising mid-torso with every sit-up he did, and the moan-y, grunt-y sounds he was making were sending me up a wall.

"I gotta go pee." I said getting up and heading to the locker room. I stood in a corner, head against tile again, waiting for the tightening in my pants to go away.

"You forget where the urinal is?" a sexy, silky voice said behind me.

I turned to see barbell babe. "Uh, no. I was just waiting." I cringed at my fumble.

"For what?" he walked up behind me. I knew what he wanted and if I wanted to be in control, I'd have to act fast.

I pushed him up against the wall, kissing him hard. He wrapped a hand around the bulge in my shorts best he could at our awkward angle.

We made our way to the closed off showers. He turned on the water (which soaked me in my clothes and pissed me off.) but at least it was the perfect temperature. He took of my soggy shirt and licked his way down my body. I pushed him onto his knees, his hands moving form my hips, pulling my shorts and boxers to the floor.

It was sloppy. His tongue everywhere but where it needed to be. I moved his hand to wrap it around the base of my cock and positioned his head. "Just stay still." I hissed. He complied and I moved in and out at the right pace. His eyes were locked into mine, but I read nothing in them. They were the same colour as Will's but they just didn't have the same light behind them. I closed my eyes and envisioned Will in the midst of a heated debate. Eyes full of passion, voice stern and steady. His body tensing with the heat of his adamant opinion on the topic at hand.

I came with a yell I'm sure everyone heard, banging my head for the second time today in the process. I gathered my wet clothes and threw them on the bench next to my bag.

"Hey! Aren't you going to do me now?" whatshisface asked as I pulled on my dry clothes and threw the sopping ones in my bag, not caring it they ruined it.

"No."

"Why, you thankless bastard---" he came up behind me, grabbing my elbow and spinning me around.

"Jack, is everything alright?" Will stood there in the doorway, sweaty and confused, but ready to fight for me if necessary. An angel in gym clothes.

"Will!" I grabbed our coats and bags and rushed at him, falling into his chest. He wrapped his arms around me tightly. "Take me home!" I was frantic.

"You need to have a little talk with your boyfriend about ethics!" the guy yelled after us.

"What the hell was that all about?" Will asked me once we were safe in the cab.

"I rather not talk about it." I must've looked pretty shook up, because he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his chest.

"What's been up with you this week?" he mumbled into my hair.

"I rather not talk about it." I breathed in the sent of his sweat. Oh, those sweet pheromones.

"Well, can we talk about my valor back there?"

I laughed despite myself. "That was pretty…valorous of you."

"Valorous?" he inquired.

"Shut up." It was his turn to laugh.

The rest of the ride home was quiet, but it was in a comfortable silence that we sat curled up together in the back of a cab that smelt like molding Indian food. It was almost heart breaking when we had to get out.

"I'm going to take a shower. Be out in a few." he said, throwing his keys in that big yellow bowl.

I laid on the couch and thought about the ride over, the shower incident already forgotten. I closed my eyes and recalled the salty smell of his sweat, his muscles just beneath his shirt. His arms around me, strong and loving and in no way threatening.

The bathroom door opened and out stepped Will in a cloud of steam and musk, looking debonair in a tux. He caught me staring. "Got a date."

"Anyone I know?" my heart sank…..

"His name's Darren Hilson."

…..and fell right out of my butt.

"He came to the office yesterday when you fainted. I was---"

"You can't go with him!" I practically screamed at him.

"What!?!"

"I--I need you here. I just---you can't go with him! You just can't!" I was crying and there was an urgency and desperation in my voice that made even me cringe.

"Okay Jackie. Okay." He sat next to me on the sofa and pulled me into his lap. At first I flinched, but the way he was gently rocking me and holding my head, I buried my head in his neck and gave up control for only the second time in my life.


	6. This Solo Sorrow

"_Listen to this solo _

_Sorrow, into whose arms_

_You have fallen.."_

_-Stan Rice_

_  
"How can so much beauty hide such a _

_Bruised and steely heart, _

_And why much I love him [?"_

_-Anne Rice_

_  
"I… I came here by day_

_But I left here in darkness, _

_And found you on the way._

_And now, it is silver and silent,_

_It is silver and cold._

_You in somber resplendence, _

_I hold."_

_-AFI_

"_What's the worst that I could say?_

_Things are better if I stay."_

_-MCR_

Will's POV

Jack is childlike. Jack is exuberant. Vivacious. Facetious. Jubilant. Any of these words could be used to describe the Jack I grew to love. But this is not Jack who I'm holding on the couch in my apartment. This man looks like Jack. But the light has gone out in his eyes. And he's crying. Actual tears.

"Jack, what's the matter?" The question seemed to elicit more sobs. I pulled him even closer and murmured reassuring words. Beautiful lies like; It'll be okay. I understand. It's alright. I'm here.

The latter was no lie. Jack needed me like I needed him so many years ago. True, this was not Gaydom 101, but he seems lost and scared like I was, and I would sell my soul to know what it was that was making him feel this…horror, this terror. 'Cause that's what it is. I can see more than just pain in his eyes. I see _fear_.

His face was pressed hard into my chest and he kept repeating the same phrase over and over--like some secret prayer--though I couldn't make out what it was he was saying. We sat there for what seemed like hours, (but very well could've been only minutes.) when there was a knock at the door.

"Will? It's Darren. I thought we were doing dinner."

Jack yelped and ran into my bedroom.

I crossed the living room and opened the door. Darren stood there, looking toughly pissed off.

"Darren, I'm sorry. I can't go. Something came up."

He sighed. "Alright. I'll see you tomorrow." he disappeared into the elevator.

I clicked the door shut and went to find Jack. He was there on my bed, shaking. His sobs had not completely subsided, but it wasn't to the point that was scared he'd hyperventilate. And he kept repeating the same thing over and over again: "It'll be surreal." I sat down next to him. He lay on his stomach, face in the pillow, repeating that phrase. I wanted to touch him---to comfort him. Above all, to ask him what "It'll be surreal." meant, but I knew it had something to do with why he was such a wreak, so I dropped the idea.

"Jack?"

"He was here." his voice was monotone. Empty as his eyes. I thought I'd be happy to see him quit crying like he was, but this was not what I was expecting. I never dared to dream I'd ever see Jack so…unfeeling. I reached out, running my hand from the small of his back to the top of his head. I wanted to make him feel something. _Anything._ I needed to make him feel something, or at least to remove myself from all emotion and just lay there next to him--- both of us waiting for death.

He rolled over and looked up at me. Those beautiful blue eyes that night had gone from pain, to fear, to empty, and now as they locked into mine, they were clear blue as the sea and content. He reached out for my hand (which I willingly gave) and he pulled me down next to him. He wrapped his arms around my waist and I put my forehead against his. I ran a hand through his hair and cupped his face.

"You'll save me, right?" he didn't sound like himself, so unsure, nor did he tell me what I was suppose to save him from, but I made that promise anyway.

"Yes." I whispered.

There was a silence between us I felt the need to fill. I brushed my lips against his. He tensed up, and I drew back immediately. His eyes went back to empty and I lost my mind. Jack _had_ to feel something. I had to make him. I rolled him onto his back and kissed him gain. I ran my tongue along his bottom lip, making him simultaioulsy gasp and moan. I peppered his face with light kisses. He closed his eyes and murmured nonsensical things---the poetry of arousal. I removed his shirt, kissing my was from his lips to his neck, to his torso and made it all the way to his waist when I heard him mumble something I didn't expect, but should have: "Stop."

I looked up, perplexed. "Huh?"

He looked down, tears in rivulets down his cheeks. "I don't want to go any further." he sounded pained.

"Wha--did I--" 

"I swear, it's me. It has nothing to do with you." he took my hand in his and sqoze. "I want to sleep now." he sounded resigned to his sorrow and closed his eyes.

I, too, relinquished myself to his sorrow. I kissed his eyelids and the thin lines of salt-water that ran down each side of his face. I gave him a light peck on the lips and pulled him into my chest as we laid there.

"I can't even begin to understand what you're feeling or going through right now," I started "but I want you to know that I'm here for you. I always will be, because, well…" _Spit it out Truman!_ "Because I'm in love with you. I always have been."

He answered me with a snore.


	7. Vulnerable

"_Don't waste your touch. _

_You won't feel anything._

_Or were you sent to save me?_

_You won't find anything_

_Worthy of redeeming."_

_-AFI_

"_And your slow shaking finger tips  
Show that you're scared like me so  
Let's pretend we're alone  
And I know you may be scared  
And I know we're unprepared  
But I don't care"_

_-Secondhand Serenade_

Jack's POV

_Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!_

I lay in Will's bed, aching from crying so hard last night. _Will loves me. He told me last night and I panicked and feigned sleep. He loves me and tried to have sex with me and I stopped him. STUPID STUPID STUPID!_

The truth was, I was a little afraid. It was the first time in a long time I actually felt like giving in and letting someone take me over. It was scary territory for me. Maybe I shouldn't have freaked the way I did.

I rolled over. Eleven o' clock. The bed's empty save for me. I already knew he'd gone before I rolled over. I felt him roll out of bed about seven this morning and watched him dress through cracked eyes. He's so beautiful.

_Okay. Time to get up._ I pulled myself from the bed and drug my feet into the living room. A piece of paper on the back of the couch caught my eye. _Jack, I had to head into work early this morning . I didn't want to wake you. Help yourself to anything in kitchen. I want you to stay in today. I'm not sure how well you are after last night. I'm coming home for lunch. Take it easy. –Will._

I found it funny for some reason that he didn't sign off "Love, Will". I poured coffee and turned on the tv. But that soon got boring, so I took a tub. I filled the water up to my chin and simply soaked for a while. Just long enough to prune a bit. I toweled off and threw on Will's thick bathrobe. His scent enveloped me. He smells oddly like musk and chocolate. I just stood there for a moment, my nose buried in his robe, breathing him in.

When I finally left the bathroom, Will was going through his mail, standing before the dining table. I snuck up behind him, stealthy like a ninja. I wrapped my arms around his waist and he jumped four feet off the floor, throwing mail in the air like over sized confetti.

"What're you makin' me for lunch?" I asked as he regained composure.

"Chicken feta cheese good?"

"Oh, yum!" I exclaimed, settling down at the table. I watched him bang around pots and pans, mixing and stirring and cutting up chicken.

"So, what'd you do today?" he asked, glancing up from his chicken. (Ha! That sounded kinda naughty!)

"I took a tub. Drank coffee. That's about it."

"Sounds thrilling. You wanna stay in tonight or catch a movie or something?"

"Why're you being so nice to me?" I was trying to get him to say it again. Just to see if he would.

"I'm worried about you, Jack. How couldn't I be?"

I made a noise in agreement. "What movie?"

"I don't know. We'll find something." He plated our lunch. He seemed distracted.

"What's the matter?" I asked, taking the plate and fork he handed me.

"Nothing." He said, settling into his chair. "just a really weird day at the office." He waved his hand, dismissing it.

I shrugged, and shoved a forkful into my mouth. "Oh! This is good! I can't think of anything I'd rather have in my mouth!" I inwardly chuckled at my innuendo.

"I can." Both our eyes got a little bigger at Will's Freudian slip. Our cheeks flushed with embarrassment and just a little sexual tension.

We sat in silence, eating our chicken (ha! I'm tellin' ya!) when I finally broke the mind numbing quiet. "You know, I think I just want to stay in tonight. Feel like nesting, you know?"

"Uh, yeah. Yeah, okay." He got up and scraped off his plate. He washed it, dried it, and put it back in it's respective place. "I gotta go." He kissed the top of my head. "See you later tonight, right?"

"Yeah."

And he was gone. I got up to wash my plate, but decided not to. Me? Manual labor? Please! I settled on the couch and turned on the tv, still in Will's robe. I laid back and let sleep take me down.

_His hands are on me. The smell of musk and chocolate. His kiss is sweet and deep and passionate. His hands travel from my hips to my ass and then back up again, but only long enough to peel away my shirt. He ran his hands over my now bare chest. Kisses got deeper, touches rougher with wanton arousal. I moaned "Will."_

"_Bed?" the suggestion tickled my ear. We fell back on his bed, me on the bottom, not caring anymore. He leaned back in for the kiss. His hands are on my. The smell of sweat and liquor. His kiss is bitter and forceful. I pull back to see harsh green eyes._

I woke screaming "WILL!" I lurched forward off the couch, expecting to hit the floor. Instead, I fell into the arms of a very confused Will.

Will's POV

My mind was flooded with thoughts of Jack; my ears still burning from my comment over lunch. _ I cannot believe I said that!_

I sat at my desk, finishing up some paperwork, when a knock at the door made me jump.

"Who is it?"

"It's Lonni, Mr. Truman!" my new secretary's fresh, tiny voice rang out from the other side of the door.

_Thank god! _ "Come in!"

She poked her tiny blond head through the door. "I'm going for coffee, just wanted to know if you'd like some."

"No, Lonni. Thank you. I was just getting ready to head home early. You can take the rest of the day off." 

"Thank you Mr. Truman!" You could hear the relief in her voice. I filled the papers, gathered my things and headed out the door. The air was brisk. It was a cool fall evening. Just a little too cool, which meant (by default) the cabbies weren't going to stop. I spent ten minutes trying to hail a taxi. I climbed in and pulled out my cell phone. I placed a to go order at a little Italian resterant. I gave the address to the cab driver and rested back in my seat. I noticed my heart beat was still a bit spastic from Lonni's knock. I had been praying that it wasn't Darren. I don't know what Jack's problem with him was, but I do know what mine is: He's too damn touchy. This morning in my office, we were going over some documents and when I walked him to the door, he touched the small of my back. My upper ass really. It wasn't anything overtly sexual, but it was just too intimate for me. It left me feeling a little….violated.

The cabbie parked outside the restaurant. "I'll be right back out."

Inside, I grabbed the two Styrofoam containers of food and paid. I almost dropped our dinner climbing into the cab.

"where's your boyfriend?" the taxi driver asked.

"huh?" I looked closer. It was the same guy that drove Jack and I home from the gym the other day. "Oh. He's at home. Sick. I'm bringing him dinner." I didn't bother to correct his mistake. For now I'll live in this little dream until I have to come home and save him from his hidden horrors.

"How long you two been together?" he asked, pulling up to my apartment building.

"Uh…about twenty one years." Not a total lie, that one.

"You guys looked so right together." He said.

"Yeah. We do." I handed him his money and climbed out. I fantasized about a relationship with Jack for the elevator ride up. He'd stay home. I'd go to work. He'd sponge off me and I'd pretend to hate it. We'd carry on clever banter and spend our spare time tighter. Basically everything we do now. Just with sex. What's so wrong with me that Jack wouldn't want to---- no. I'm not going to obsess over this. The elevator doors swung open and I left my dreams behind me.

It took a little balancing to get the door unlocked and not drop the food. I walked in and shut the door with my foot. It was dark, and I heard whimpering. I clicked on the light to find Jack, partially hidden behind the tv, sitting on the couch asleep.

I put the containers on the dining room table and turned to get plates when I heard him moan. I turned to look at him. He was leaned back on the couch, head thrown back, mouth open, legs spread, still in my robe….but it was open, his body exposed complete to me. He had an erection.

I gulped. This was all too much. I walked over to him to wake him, but before I could get close enough to touch him, he moaned "OOOOHHH, Will."

I stopped dead in my tracks. He was having a sex dream…about me? Well, I had to make sure, didn't I? I stood there a few seconds more and he moaned my name again, confirming my suspicions. My heart nearly beat out of my chest when he reached down in his sleepy, aroused state and grasped himself, smearing precum over his leaking cock. My own crotch jumped to life. _This can't be real. I have to be dreaming!_ Without really thinking about it, I ran my hand over the front of my pants, stroking myself through the fabric. But soon, my fantasy turned to nightmare. Jack suddenly started whimpering out of fright juxtaposed to arousal. "Will?" it became a question, a plea for help.

I walked over to him . I reached out a hand to wake him up, when he suddenly lurched forward, calling my name. he fell into my arms, looking frightened and confused and finally embarrassed when he noticed his robe was open.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, um, bad dream is all."

I tried not to think of what that might imply as I pulled him to his feet.

"What's that smell?" he asked, tying the robe.

"Huh? Oh! I got us Italian. You said you wanted to nest, so I figured—"

"Yeah." He seemed a little agitated. He grabbed a container off the table with the cellophane wrapped spork and settled back on the couch, flipping through the tv channels.

I fallowed suit. Finally he settled on a channel. We watched some random sitcom, laughing at the same spots. Our knees were touching. My arm was draped across his shoulders and he leaned into me. This was all I wanted. If nothing more, this is all the contact I needed. This sweetness. This closeness. This is all and all there is.

Jack's POV

I awoke (for the second time today) on Will's couch. This time in his arms and to the sound of static. I stretched languorly and clicked off the tv. Will stirred at this motion, but didn't wake. I sat there, feeling safe and warm in his arms. I had a decision to make. An experiment to try. It was something I'd tried clumsily once that ended (before it even really began) in tears; some poor strange boy perplexed by my reaction our attempted lovemaking. I gently prodded Will's ribs with my elbow. He stirred again but this time he opened those beautiful brown eyes slowly.

"Morning?" he asked.

"Nope." A sly smile. I stood up, offering my hand, I pulled him to his feet. He was still a little drunk on sleep, but I didn't wait for him to sober. I grasped either side of his face with my hands and pulled him in for a long kiss. No tongue. I was only testing the waters. He snaked his arms around my waist, our bodies slush up against each other. I opened his mouth with my tongue---he sucked on my bottom lip. I broke the trance we seemed to be in.

"Will?"

"Yes?"

"Take me to your room."

He grasped my hand, pulling me to the door. We parted long enough to discard our shirts. He started to pull me to the bed, but I got butterflies. "Wait! Wait!" I said playfully, buying some time. "we need music." I made my way to his cd player. A solemn looking goth girl looked up at me form a cd case. I held it up. "What's this?"

"I ordered 'a divine madness' thinking it was that Bette Midler cd, but it was the name of the band. It's actually not bad."

"You listened to it?" I asked, surprised.

He shrugged.

I flipped the case over, looking through the song titles. "Forsaken" seemed promising. I popped it in, and turned it to the song of choice. It started slow, operatic. I pressed the repeat button and crossed the room.

His hands are on me. The smell of musk and chocolate. His kiss is sweet and deep and passionate. He caressed my bare chest--- his hands travel from my hips to my ass. Kisses got deeper, touches rougher with arousal. I moaned "Will"

"Bed?" the word tickled my ear. We fell back on the bed, me on the bottom, not caring anymore. He leaned back in for the kiss and I held my breath…..

His hands are on me…..

I can still breathe in his warm scent and taste his sweet lips. He pulls back to look down at me lovingly with honest brown eyes. I exhale and relax against his body. _This! This is how it should be!_ He continued his genital kisses down my body, stopping here or there to lick or nip. I let the sensations he was sending through me to fill me up—let the lyrics sink in:

_Forsaken_

_Dried up on the vine_

_We wait here for a sign from the divine_

_Elevate my arms_

_Reach out our hands_

_Searching for more than I am._

_Heal me. Guide me._

I thought the lyrics appropriate enough. Damn lucky pick. And maybe this _was_ what I needed to start getting past this. (Ha! Sexual healing! I crack myself up!)

He kissed his way down my body. A repeat of last night. But this time, when he got to my waist, he looked up at me. I nodded. He undid my pants and slid them down. His hands traveled up my legs. He kept looking up at me as if to ask if I were sure.

I reached out and grabbed the back of his head, pulling him down for a long, sensual kiss. "I'm not going to stop you this time, if that's what your worried about." Those brown eyes set me ablaze.

His lips parted in a mischievous grin, and then they were pressed to mine once again. The kiss was hot and wet and slick. It held all the heat in hell and all the pleasure in heaven. I was lost in him until he reached down between us and pumped my leaking cock. I gasped loudly, grasping onto his arms. It was better than I'd imagined. And believe me; I'd imagined this many times. Many many times.

But this is so much more than imagining. In person, I could reach out and touch him. Smell him. Kiss him. His strokes were different than mine. He alternates from fast to slow. Hard to soft. Occasionally stopping only long enough to run his thumb over my slit.

"Will—I---OH!"

I came violently before I could even finish my sentence. He acted quickly, wrapping his mouth around me and sucking up all he could gather. A thin film of sweat covered my body. The covers stuck to me and I shook all over. He lent up to whisper seductively "You taste so wonderful" which sent a sensual shock through me.

"Will, I want to feel you inside me"

Will's POV

I almost didn't hear him over the music. I'd gotten lost momentarily in the lyrics; _"We were not ordinary people bound to every fairytale we were told._" Indeed, we were not.

"Huh?" he'd said something…

His hand shot out and cupped me through my pants. "I need you."

I scrambled to get out of my pants, and grab the lube. Jack positioned himself, spread eagle and glorious. He was a bit shaky, his breath ragged. I ran my hand up and down his stomach and chest, petting the smooth flesh and taunt muscles just drinking in the sight of him. I was nervous.

"When was the last time you….uh…" I'm not really sure why I'm stalling, but I am.

"You mean…been the bottom?"

I nodded.

He blushed and looked uneasy. "Never."

"Are you sure you want me to—"

"Yes."

I lent down again and kissed him. Sweet and loving. I took a deep breath and pushed in slow and gentle, never breaking eye contact. Once I was all the way in, I let out a long sigh. He was so gloriously tight and warm around me

"You okay?"

"Hurts a little."

"Always does the first time."

"Just keep going."

I continued at a slow pace. I watched him as we made love. He was flushed, his cheeks pink. He moaned, his hand cupping his forehead. My name escaped his lips in a whisper. I watched his hand slide down from his forehead across his chest (stopping only long enough to tweak a nipple in passing)--- grazing past his quaking stomach to grip his waking cock. The sight was too much for me to handle. My orgasm made the world spin. I pulled out and laid beside him, wrapping him in my arms.

"Do me now." I whispered in his ear.

His eyes snapped open and he looked at me hungrily. His kiss was ravenous as if he were trying to swallow me whole. It was working---I was consumed in all things that were him.

He slipped a finger inside me, teasing my prostate and making me cry out in surprise and pleasure. With his free hand, he applied the lube to himself. He removed his finger and I felt empty not just where he'd been, but in some deeper place that didn't actually exist inside me. Is this how he was with his lovers? Did he please them savagely then abandon his erotic efforts just as wholly and eagerly as he began them---making his poor victim crave him all the more? Making the lover so totally dependent on him that they feel as though they cannot breathe if not provoked to do so by his skilled hand?

He thrust into me suddenly—roughly. Hurting me deliciously. His thrusts were well placed and vigorous. This was Jack as I'd never seen him before. He was savage. Determined. He had an actual goal. Watching him go at it made me horny all over again. The fact that he was hitting my spot amazingly didn't help, either. My erection was getting more and more rigid by the moment. He reached down and pumped my cock in time with his thrusts. It was only a matter of moments before we both cried out in our release.

He crumpled on top of me—both of us exhaughted in our efforts.

"Okay" I choked out "no more of that tonight. That was just….wow."

"Really?" he mumbled from his place on my chest.

"Yeah." I pulled the covers up around us.

"Well, that doesn't really count for much. You only get laid so rarely."

I laughed and pulled him closer to me. "Good to have you back, Jack."

Somewhere in the distant reality where Jack and I were just friends and life was less than complicated, the cd player still delivered it's melody;

"…_so entertain me for a little while longer_

_Close your eyes, I feel your touch._

_Cold hands and warm embrace._

_Steals the laughter from my face._

_We're nearing the end. _

_The beginning._

_Possibilities are meant for you_

_To live a life of gravity._

_Only you._

_For only you…"_


	8. Closer at a Distance

Part I:

_Part I:_

"_Oh, just the sent of you makes me hurt._

_So how's it you that makes me better?"_

_-Vanessa Carlton_

"_Fears run heavy, tears run from my eyes into my hands,_

_They burn. I will wait here for your return_

_Tonight."_

_-"Closer" Devine Madness._

_Part II:_

"_And I know things can't last forever--_

_But there are lessons you'll never learn."_

_-Vanessa Carlton_

"_I guess I remember every glance you shot me._

_Unharmed, I'm losing weight and some body heat."_

_-The Used_

PT.I

He left this morning humming a tune under his breath. I woke this morning with a smile on my face. I'm happy. So very happy for the first time in such a long time. We're happy. It's so strange to think that Will and I are a "we" now. I guess on some level we've always been a "we".

There was a time when it was almost physically painful for me to be around him. To watch him be happy with another guy or sad by himself on the couch. Either tore me apart.

I knew it would be strange to see our dynamic change. Is a relationship worth ruining a friendship over? What if the relationship and the friendship are with the same man?

I rolled over onto his side of the bed and breathed in his delicious smell.

These questions I'll save for later. Right now, I sleep and await his return.

PT.II

"Mr. Truman?" the intercom broke my train of thought as I stared out my office window.

I pressed down the button. "Yes, Lonni?"

"Mr. Hilson here to see you."

_Shit._ I braced myself for unwanted awkwardness. "Send him in."

He came in wearing a pressed linnon suit. Gray flannel. A bold choice. I didn't stand for fear he'd want a hug. "Mr. Hilson." I said almost curtly.

"Please, William, call me Darren. How many times must I tell you?" he sat on the edge of my desk--a spot usually reserved only for Jack.

"Mr. Hil—Darren. Call me Mr. Truman, please. I'd like to keep this purely professional." I debated trying to swat him off my desk like a fly, but decided against it. He might think I was flirting.

"What fun is business without pleasure, Mr. Truman?" He purred my name in a way that echoed every student/teacher role-playing porn I'd ever seen.

"Legalities aren't meant to be fun Mr. Hilson."

Confusion clouded over his eyes. "You are gay, aren't you?"

"Not that it's any of your business, but yes, indeed, I am." _Why do I always get so formal when I'm mad?_

He took a moment to unscramble his thoughts. "Do you have a significant other?"

I let an aggravated sigh pass my lips. "Yes. Now I'd appr--"

"It's not Jack McFarland, is it?"

My head snapped up from the papers I was filing. "Yes"

He snorted. "Listen to me: That kid is good for nothing but a quick fuck. He's a dirty little man whore. Trust me, I remember every little freckle on that kid's body."

His anger surprised me, and when he slammed the door, my window shook.

Lonni came bursting in. "Is everything all right Mr. Truman."

"Hold the fort down while I'm gone." I managed to say before to tore out of the office.

**Sorry it took so long for me to write this chapter. I fell out of love with this story while I was writing it, but I just recently found it again, and fell back in love with it. The next chapter is coming sooner than this last one did! I swear on my life!**

**Always, **

**Ligeia**


End file.
